Why We Fawn: Understanding the Hidden Roots of People-Pleasing
If you’ve ever found yourself saying yes when you meant no, minimizing your needs to avoid rocking the boat, or going above and beyond to keep someone else comfortable—only to feel resentful, depleted, or invisible—you’re not alone. This response, often called fawning, is a survival strategy that many of us developed early in life. It can feel like people-pleasing on the outside, but underneath, it’s often about safety.
What is Fawning?
Fawning is a nervous system response rooted in the instinct to preserve connection at all costs. Coined by therapist Pete Walker, the fawn response is often discussed alongside fight, flight, and freeze—but with a different flavor: rather than running or shutting down, we appease. We scan for others’ needs, try to manage their emotions, and shape-shift ourselves to avoid conflict, rejection, or abandonment.
It can look like:
Over-apologizing or taking responsibility for others’ feelings
Suppressing anger or needs to “keep the peace”
Staying silent when something hurts
Anticipating others’ reactions to avoid disapproval
Losing touch with your own preferences or boundaries
This response isn’t a flaw in you—it’s a form of protection. And understanding its roots is the first step toward healing.
Through the Lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS)
In IFS, fawning is often driven by protector parts—parts of us that work tirelessly to keep us safe. A fawning part might believe, “If I keep everyone happy, I won’t be rejected.” These parts often carry burdens from the past: moments when being authentic, angry, or even just needing something led to criticism, withdrawal, or chaos.
Behind these protectors are often younger parts—exiles—who hold the pain of disconnection, shame, or abandonment. The fawning protector steps in to prevent those feelings from surfacing again.
When we meet these parts with curiosity rather than shame, we begin to understand their logic—and offer them new ways to relate to others that don’t require self-abandonment.
Through the Lens of Somatic Work
In somatic work, fawning is recognized as a physiological survival response. It’s not just a mental habit—it’s a pattern etched into the body. The muscles constrict, the breath shortens, and the body orients toward others in a hyper-attuned way. It’s a strategy wired into the autonomic nervous system, often developed in childhood environments where conflict felt dangerous or love felt conditional.
You may notice a collapse in your posture, a tightness in your throat, or a dissociative “floating” sensation when you’re in a fawn response. These cues are your body’s way of saying: I don’t feel safe to be fully here.
Somatic work invites us to slow down, feel into the body, and create enough safety in the system to try something different. This might look like:
Tracking sensations when you notice yourself over-accommodating
Practicing micro-boundaries in low-stakes settings
Reclaiming the right to take up space—physically and emotionally
Through the Lens of Attachment Theory
Attachment theory helps us understand why fawning often develops. If you grew up in an environment where love was inconsistent, unpredictable, or contingent on performance, you may have internalized the belief that you need to earn your place in someone’s heart.
Fawning is particularly common in people with anxious or disorganized attachment patterns. It becomes a way to secure closeness by being what others want you to be—even at the cost of your authenticity.
But attachment wounds can be repaired. And part of that repair is learning that love doesn’t have to come at the cost of your truth. In healthy, secure relationships—whether romantic, therapeutic, or platonic—there is room for your “no,” your needs, your truth, and your complexity.
So… How Do We Heal Fawning?
Healing from fawning isn’t about flipping a switch or becoming “assertive” overnight. It’s about cultivating inner safety and self-trust so that your system no longer needs to over-adapt in order to belong. That work might include:
Parts work (IFS) to build a relationship with your fawning part and uncover the pain it’s protecting
Somatic tracking to notice how fawning shows up in your body, and what helps you feel grounded instead
Relational practice to explore what it’s like to be seen, valued, and loved without having to perform
You don’t need to abandon yourself to keep connection. In fact, the most nourishing relationships ask for your full, unfiltered self—not just the parts that feel palatable or pleasing.
You are allowed to take up space.
You are allowed to disappoint someone and still be lovable.
You are allowed to be real.
And the more you offer that to yourself, the more you open the door to connections that are real, mutual, and rooted in who you truly are.
If this resonates, and you’d like support navigating this within your relationships, I’d love to support you.
