How to Know If It’s a Trigger… or a Truth
One of the most common questions I hear from clients—especially those on a healing path—is this:
“How do I know if I’m just triggered… or if this relationship isn’t actually right for me?”
It’s a deeply vulnerable question. Because when we’ve done a lot of work on ourselves—especially work around attachment, trauma, and parts—we know that some of what we’re feeling is old.
But sometimes, what we’re feeling is also deeply true in the present.
So how do we tell the difference? Let’s break it down.
First: What Is a Trigger?
A trigger is an emotional reaction that feels disproportionate to what’s happening in the moment—because it’s activating an old wound.
That might look like:
Feeling abandoned when your partner needs space.
Feeling criticized when they offer gentle feedback.
Feeling panicked when there’s conflict or disconnection.
None of these reactions make you broken or wrong.
They make you human. And they usually point to something younger in you that’s still carrying the imprint of past hurt—whether from childhood, a previous relationship, or another formative experience.
But here’s where it gets tricky: Just because you’re triggered doesn’t mean the situation is safe or okay.
Triggers Can Happen In the Truth
Sometimes, your nervous system is reacting because you’re re-experiencing an old story.
Other times, it’s reacting because you’re not being met in a real and present way.
And more often than not? It’s both.
You might feel rejected and your partner is being emotionally unavailable.
You might feel unworthy and you’re being asked to contort yourself to stay in the relationship.
You might feel “too much” and your needs are consistently dismissed or minimized.
This is the nuance that gets lost when we try to make healing too black and white.
You can be triggered and have a valid need. You can have unhealed wounds and be in a dynamic that isn’t aligned with your deepest truth.
How to Tell the Difference: Questions to Ask Yourself
Instead of trying to determine whether it's only a trigger or only the truth (because let’s be real—it’s rarely either/or), ask yourself:
🔹 “Is this feeling familiar?”
Does this remind you of something you've felt many times before, even in unrelated situations or relationships? If so, there's likely a younger part of you activated here.
🔹 “Even if this is a trigger, what am I needing right now?”
This question brings you into self-leadership. It shifts the focus from fixing the trigger to honoring your needs.
🔹 “How would this feel to someone without my history?”
Would this situation still feel off, unclear, or painful to someone else? This can help you gauge whether there’s something genuinely misaligned happening in the present moment.
🔹 “Am I consistently feeling dysregulated in this relationship?”
If the relationship often leaves you feeling unsafe, anxious, or shut down—this is information. Even if your partner isn’t doing anything wrong, your body is telling you something.
🔹 “Do I feel free to be fully myself here?”
The truth of a relationship often reveals itself in how safe and alive you feel—not just how much you’re “working on it.”
Triggers Are Invitations—Not Incriminations
Being triggered doesn’t mean you’re wrong, needy, or irrational. It means a part of you is showing up that wants care, clarity, and connection. And sometimes, your trigger is alerting you to a dynamic that actually is misattuned, unkind, or unsafe.
Instead of trying to silence that part of you, try getting curious:
What is this part afraid of?
What does it need from me?
Is that need being met in this relationship—or am I constantly trying to contort myself to get it?
Truth Feels Clear (Even When It’s Hard)
Here’s something I’ve learned again and again:
When something is really true—like deep-down, soul-level true—it tends to feel simple. Clear. Settled.
It may not be easy. You may still grieve, doubt, or feel scared.
But your body often carries a kind of knowing.
Whereas a trigger tends to feel chaotic, urgent, confusing… like a swirl of old emotions and stories trying to take the wheel.
The truth usually feels like a quiet exhale. Like coming home.
Even if it’s pointing you somewhere hard.
You Don’t Have to Figure It All Out Alone
If you’re navigating that murky space between “Is this my stuff?” and “Is this just not working?”—you’re not alone.
This is the heart of so much of the work I do with clients: helping you come home to your own clarity, your own felt sense of truth, your own knowing about what’s aligned and what’s not.
You don’t have to untangle it all in your head.
Sometimes, we find the answer not through more analyzing—but through slowing down, tuning into the body, and letting all your parts be seen and heard.
You get to have triggers. You get to have truth. And you get to have relationships that honor both.
If this resonates with you, I’d love to support you. 🌿 Book a Free Discovery Call.
