The Shared Wound Beneath the Fight
Why your conflict might not be as one-sided as it feels
When I work with couples, there’s often a moment—sometimes early on, sometimes after weeks of digging—when something deeper comes into view.
At first, the conflict looks like what you might expect: one partner feels criticized, the other feels shut out. One is too much, the other is never enough. One yells, the other walks away.
It’s easy to see how different the two of you are in those moments—how opposite your needs, reactions, and communication styles can seem. But underneath all of that? There’s often something strikingly similar going on.
A shared experience. A core wound.
Maybe both of you feel like you don’t matter.
Maybe both of you feel alone, even when you’re together.
Maybe both of you are terrified that you’re too much—or not enough—for the other to stay.
How you got there is different. How you express it is different. But the pain itself? Surprisingly familiar.
Two Histories, One Emotional Blueprint
This doesn’t mean your story is the same as your partner’s. The roots of your wounds might trace back to completely different family dynamics, traumas, identities, or roles you had to play growing up. But the felt experience—what it’s like in your body when love feels distant or hard—can echo in both of you.
That echo often fuels the dynamic. One partner lashes out to avoid feeling powerless. The other shuts down to avoid feeling rejected. Both protectors are in full force. But underneath? The same ache.
And here’s the thing: most couples don’t realize this is happening. They’re so caught in the surface-level dance—who said what, who didn’t listen, who keeps pulling away—that they miss the deeper emotional mirroring taking place.
Why It Matters
When you’re stuck in conflict, it’s easy to feel like your partner is the problem. Or that you are.
But what if you’re both hurting in the same way?
What if the thing you’ve been trying so hard to get from your partner—reassurance, closeness, respect—is the very thing they’ve been longing to receive from you?
When couples can start to see the shared pain beneath their patterns, something shifts. The story stops being me vs. you and becomes us vs. this wound. And that’s where real repair can begin.
How to Start Noticing It
Here are a few ways to begin tuning into this dynamic—on your own or with support:
Pause and ask: What am I feeling right now underneath my reaction? What might my partner be feeling underneath theirs?
Get curious about the common thread. Even if your behaviors are opposite, is there a shared emotional experience underneath?
Talk about it gently. When it feels safe, you might say something like, “I wonder if we’re both feeling really alone in this, even though it looks so different on the outside.”
Of course, it’s not always easy to see or soften these patterns on your own. This is where coaching can help—especially the kind of relational, somatic, and parts-based work I do with couples.
Together, we can slow down the dynamic, map out what’s really happening underneath the conflict, and support each of you in tending to the parts that are protecting your most tender wounds.
Because more often than not, the fight isn’t the problem. It’s the signal.
A sign that something vulnerable is asking to be seen—and healed.
If this resonates, and you’d like support navigating this within your relationships, I’d love to support you.
